But having lived in the turmoil of eternal ups and downs and ruptures, I consider myself very strong. Strong to find myself on the other side. Yes, a little marked, but no one enters the fire without getting burned.
Love under the ashes and the chaos we created in each other’s lives. Because it was not only him who was toxic. I think it was toxic for me to keep going around in circles when I knew it would take me to the same place.
In truth, it is he who put an end to this situation. I would never have given it up. I would have tried. I would have tried until I destroyed myself completely. And at the time, I did it.
It is an addiction to find solace in the same thing that destroys you.
He said goodbye one night and I was not even hurt. I was completely numb. And that’s what was so scary. I had been hurt so many times that it did not scare me anymore.
There was no doubt that I loved him and I would have done anything to make it work. In fact, I did it. I invested time and energy in something that would end in complete destruction, but I fought for it again. I struggled like hell for him.
But it was a toxic relationship.
It was a relationship full of manipulation and doubts and questions about my every move and word. I always ended up excusing myself and it was always my fault. He said things just to annoy me and knew very well how to do it.
But there were also good things. After every bad day, he was the one I could turn to.
With a simple look and a short phrase, he knew something was wrong and he just knew how to hold me back. He knew me better than anyone and I loved him for that.
Every day he woke up with a I love you at the end of the messages and all the conversations. I do not know if he knew how much I loved him. But even with the bad things, he represented everything I wanted in a person.
And I know that sounds crazy to me. How could I be with someone toxic? But in truth, toxic relationships are not always bad. There is a reason why people tolerate bad things.
But that ended and I moved on.
But I saw part of him in each of my appointments. At each appointment I thought of him.
Then there were the negative effects that a toxic relationship had on me. I wondered about the motives of each after that. With each new person, I expected that there would be tensions. In fights that would make us turn in circles. I expected to be badly treated.
Until I realized that we were not shivering in normal relationships, that we were not fighting and that we were just laughing. I started being treated as I deserved and I fled the situation. I started meeting some really great people and pushed them away.
Then I began to look for other toxic relationships to fill that empty void and have the pain I needed. And when I found these relationships, the same story was repeated, I ended up crying, with a different guy. But there was a painfully comforting thing that I was used to.
Life after a toxic relationship is like a cure in a certain way. You must recognize that there is a problem and that it is not something that you must treat in a partner. It’s something you need to take care of at home to get started. Then you must be able to identify it and move away from anyone or anything that will bring you back to this self-destructive path.
You must build yourself so that you can resist it. Because you understand the effects it has on you.
I sat at a table, prettier than I was when he knew me. And he took my hand and stared at me. He told me that I had never been so beautiful. In truth, I did not feel anything for the person who was in front of me.
I think a piece of me will always love it and I think part of me will always look for its best qualities, but I did not want it anymore.
I looked at her and I knew we were not meant to be together, I clung like a teenager. There was a bitter and sweet moment that happened with that followed by a sense of peace.
And it was only after not getting what I wanted that I finally understood what I deserved.