You have met your “soul mate” and it is visceral. You think that this feeling of “love” is so real and so pure that nothing can match it, and even if you are partly right, the story of human attraction is much more complex.
According to research by Jung, Freud and other psychologists, you choose a partner based on the composite image of the people who took care of you when you were a child. The people you depend on for everything. You were totally dependent on them, and in their human frailty and ignorance, they made mistakes in raising you up. Perhaps they were distant, controlling or even cruel. In other cases, they may have been loving, kind, patient and encouraging. You may also have known a combination of these traits for about three to five years. It is at this moment that your concept of the world and of love has been formed.
The visceral attraction you feel for another person when you are an adult is simply a subconscious desire to heal the wounds inflicted upon you as a child. Consciously, we want euphoria and all the things that come with idealized romantic love.
Unconsciously, however, there are deeper needs, and these play through what has been called an “imago match”. The imago is the subconscious mind that behaves like the child that was present during its formation.
The subconscious mind acts on his desires and emotions, and a little more. He does not know any reason. He wants to reject social norms, politeness, compassion and other important developments in the human psyche. It acts as a computer storing all your memories, including things that happened to you when you were little, they may not fit into your conscious memory. Some beliefs that you have about yourself, that do not seem to make sense, are often formed in the subconscious from these very old memories.
The first stage of love: the experience of chemistry
Norepinephrine, dopamine, phenylethylamine and other neurochemicals turn our body into a literal chemical experiment, because we are inundated with substances that make our palms sweat, butterflies appear in our stomach and our heart beats. What we feel in the first stage of love is necessary to ask someone who can help us to heal the deepest wounds we carry, and our subconscious minds know exactly who it is.
When love begins to feel mundane and boring, we usually enter the second phase of romantic love, which becomes the “struggle”. It is important to understand that this step is not meant to last. If you are with someone who belittles you, who ignores you, who hides you from affection, who does not really love you, then it is time to move on.
They may have been used to hurt you in the same way that you were wounded before so you could become aware of the need for healing.
The second stage of love: the power struggle
In the second phase of love, the signs are almost as universal as in the first. Instead of a feeling of excitement and euphoria, you may feel unwanted and unloved because you realize that your partner is not meeting all your emotional needs. In the end, you will learn how to meet those needs in a more compassionate way, but at this point it often looks like this:
- He or she does not feel loved so he / she begins to withdraw
- The opposite partner feels abandoned and acts
- Someone is crying a lot, someone is shouting a lot
- Apologies and reproaches are part of everyday life
- We tend to see only the negative sides and forget all the positives
- Frustration and despair take the place of exaltation and bliss
- There is a lack of true connection
- There may be explosive fighting and reconciliation
It is important to understand that this step will end. Many partners fail to take this step because they do not understand its meaning and necessity. It is here that our Higher Sects will do one of two things: end the relationship and break up, or break up a relationship.
The third step: true love
We can choose to bring the relationship to a conscious level. Conscious love is not based on delusional chemistry or constant combat. There is no emotional abandonment or constant pressure to try to plot, bribe and convince someone else to give us what we need to feel loved.
Instead, we learn to grow. We find better ways to express our needs, our hearts and our feelings of abandonment, rejection or fear.
Both parties begin to see how they create behaviors and results by their own actions in the relationship. They become more open to giving love to their partner the way they need to receive it, instead of using force, manipulation or withdrawal. They really want to support the other person instead of simply meeting their own needs, and in the process, a big change occurs.
We begin to give up the defenses we developed as a survival technique when we were wounded children, and begin to open ourselves to true intimacy, physically, emotionally, intimately and spiritually.