I have a friend whose sister hanged herself several years ago and who told me lately that he will never forgive him for doing so. According to him, there are always solutions and suicide is not one of them.
Before 1999, I thought like him, but it was during this same year – where I was unfortunately dragged into the maze of depression – that my way of seeing things changed. I can no longer afford to judge so easily those who choose this solution, which is sometimes called “easy”, but which, believe me, is not.
This Saturday, the eve of Valentine’s Day, the night my friend’s sister took her life, I wrote a suicide letter myself because there was no longer any spark of light in my existence. I felt completely swallowed by the “great emptiness” that then governed all my actions and all my reasoning. Nevertheless, I did not do it … this gesture is unacceptable.
When the threads are cut
I remember absolutely nothing when my friend called me the next day to make me the horrible announcement of the death of her sister (whom I knew well, by the way). I just thought it was a coincidence that we both thought we would do the same thing the same night.
If I did not feel anything, it was not because I had become a monster, it was because I felt absolutely nothing.
If I did not feel anything, it was not because I had become a monster, it was because I felt absolutely nothing. It was a flat reading on my heart monitor.
This is extremely difficult to explain if you have not experienced it. The picture I have is as if the wires connecting our brain to our emotions were cut off. Thus, we are able to see and understand what is happening, but we can no longer rely on our feelings to tell us how we must act and, most importantly, how we must respond.
Of course, we keep some memory of how we would feel in ordinary times, but all this remains at the brain level. The communication between the heart and the head being cut, we become in a way automatons.
I remember how often I felt like floating on the outside of my body envelope … The cut with the center of my emotions was so intense that it’s like I’m already dead, somehow. A real zombie on a planet to which I did not identify anymore.
A real zombie on a planet to which I did not identify anymore.
At least, that’s how I felt at the very end of my descent into hell. I guess it must be that, the land of abysses. Unfortunately, when you reach this stage, it is difficult to turn back, even if friends and family try to make you understand, with words, that life is or will be beautiful again.
I can not speak for others, but I think that if we come to go so far in this process of demolition, it is because it is the result of a build-up. For my part, I can speak of a very unhappy childhood, followed by an adult life for which I had a lot of hope and who was slow to give me what I had always wanted.
It is the accumulation of lots of small and big things that makes the dykes end up letting go and it’s the flood. A deluge that sometimes grows unimaginable.
I realize that if, at the time, I understood that we must become 100% responsible for our lives instead of seeing ourselves as an eternal victim of circumstances and others, it could have made a difference. For it is when we fall into this state of “why me,” that all our wounds rise to the surface to overwhelm us to the point where it becomes impossible for us to see any form of hope. Understand that we will never be good first in everything we do if we entertain the idea that we are at the mercy of others and of life in general.
Of course, the facts will always be the facts, but the way we choose to receive and process the information is what matters most. In fact, we participate in some way in everything that happens to us or does not happen to us. To admit this is already to reclaim the power we leave to others.
Our happiness or our misfortune will always depend on the choices we make. Thus, we have the choice to speak or to remain silent, to act or to undergo, to accept or to oppose, to intervene or to let go, to feel guilty or to put things into perspective. Etc.
For me, the day I wanted to quit my life, it’s because I did not realize how much, in fact, I had and I always had the choice …
Need help for you or a loved one? Contact your suicide prevention center or the Quebec Suicide Prevention Line: 1-866-APPELLE (277-3553). In France: 01-45-39-40-00 24h / 24 7 days a week
Jackie B. Hamilton
Jackie B. Hamilton is a writer and blogger on awakening consciousness. We find, in his bibliography, The invisible child (give himself the right to exist), Who are we without our wounds (Understanding and intelligently manage his emotions), The philosophy of let it be (Because happiness does not It does not have to be complicated), from the current me to the dreamed self (to become what one wishes to be) and the logbook to manifest the unexpected. Visit. Follow her on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn and Instagram.