Mourning a toxic person

To achieve her ends, she may despise, jealousy, belittle, judge, harass or otherwise manipulate her victim. She makes sure that his victim quietly lose self-esteem and become his stop-gap, to keep the grip on her.

The biggest fear of a toxic person is to lose the power she exerts on her victim. She does not wish to see her flourish and succeed in her life. So, it sabotages her efforts to lead a happy and productive life.

You can have a toxic relationship with a parent, a friend, a co-worker, a spouse, or even our own children.

It’s hard to believe that it’s the people who are most dear to you, who abuse you.

The beginning of a toxic relationship

A toxic relationship is almost always based on a dysfunctional family that leads to emotional dependence. During your childhood, you were taught that you had to please to be loved. That you had to forget and do what your parents told you, without listening to your own needs. Very quickly, you have understood as a child that if you want love, attention or simply to be seen by your parents (or a relative), you must live up to their expectations. It becomes with the time of the emotional blackmail on the part of the parents. It’s like they’re telling you, I’ll love you, if you act or do what I tell you to do.

As time goes by, you grow up and this dependency becomes stronger and more toxic.

You leave the family nest to get married and you realize after a few years that the woman or the man you married does exactly the same emotional blackmail as your father or your mother. That is to say, makes you believe that to have love, you have to accept to forget yourself and to let yourself be belittled.

Why do I stay in this relationship?

There is a good chance that if you stay in a toxic relationship, you are experiencing one or more of these states of being:

  • You are afraid of being alone
  • Afraid to feel abandoned.
  • Afraid to take your place
  • You do not appreciate yourself
  • You feel vulnerable
  • You feel guilty

Why is it so difficult to get out of a toxic relationship?

Just because you are waiting.

You hope that maybe one day this person will give you a little recognition, happiness or love. Just like when you were a child and you were desperately waiting for daddy or mom to see you recognize you and love you. That’s why it’s so hard to get out of a toxic relationship. It’s your inner child who is still waiting.

To get out of this kind of relationship, it is necessary to mourn your expectations, all that you will have liked to receive from this person. You have to accept that you never have what you expect from this person. It is also to accept that you can never change that person.

When you were a child, you needed your parents to fulfill your emotional needs. It is normal for a child to expect to receive love from these parents. But as an adult, you have to realize that it is not the role of the other to meet your needs. You can fill them for yourself and become responsible for your happiness.

How to get out?

Nothing will change if you do nothing. In this case, it is wrong to say that time arranges things.

You have to take the time to find yourself. To find your identity, your essence and to trust you.

It is not always necessary to permanently leave the toxic person, especially if it is someone you really care about (eg a child, a parent). Sometimes going away for a few weeks or months or even years, can be beneficial. The time to regain strength, to reflect and to find oneself.

If you want to rebuild something with this person later, you will be in a better position to do it.

If for you, the best decision is to cut the bridges definitely, then do it and know that it is not to be selfish to think of oneself.

Those around you (who are not aware of what you are going through most of the time) will probably tell you:

You only have a mother, a son, etc. You should make efforts.

These people do not know how much you suffer within. The decision to cut bridges is never easy. But from the moment you are in your decision, what others think is not really important.

No relationship is worth it to continue to emotional blackmail, for fear of abandonment.

To leave a toxic relationship is not to hurt others. It’s opening your eyes, opening your heart and loving yourself enough to no longer accept living in this relationship.

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