Intimate relationships and marriage: one year without relationship, this is what it does

My husband and I are about to celebrate our seventeen years of marriage and we have not had intimate relationships for a year. You read correctly: one year. Even when I met Dave, we never had a passionate relationship, as I had experienced before.

To tell the truth, thats what attracted me to him. The men I had attended so far were unbearable rock stars / poets / alcoholics, and things always ended badly. I enjoyed being with someone who worked, played sports and came home at night. Someone I could trust and rely on. We had intimate relationships, but it was not really beastly. Nevertheless, this kind of physical relationship suited me because I appreciated our connivance.

During the first years of our marriage, we had a relationship at least once a month, sometimes more. And then our first child arrived, and those moments became rarer. The birth was done by caesarean section and I took about twenty-five pounds. In addition Dave was traveling three weeks out of four. I did not miss our intimacy because I only thought about the baby. After a while, this lack of physical intimacy seemed normal to me.

Since Dave never complains about the lack of intimate relationships, I came to think he was cheating on me. I searched to find secret mails or Snapchat accounts, but I did not find anything. I think he’s just not very focused on it. Even when we have a relationship, it does not last long and it’s not intense: three minutes and it’s over.

(Photo de: Getty Images)

The worst part of this platonic marriage is that I feel neither desirable nor loved. I will soon be 45 years old, and I need this kind of comfort more than when I had 20, that is to say when I weighed ten kilos less and I did not have any wrinkles at the corner of the lips.

Does our relationship suffer from this lack of intimate relationship? It depends on your definition of the word “relationship”. We are a united couple. We love our children. We divide the tasks more or less equitably, but we always manage to do what needs to be done. Since Dave resigned a few months ago, we go to the movies on Friday afternoons, and I feel closer to him. In fact, I have never really felt a distance between us, but it does not mean that we rush under the cover. Besides, I do not even want to make love with Dave anymore. It does not attract me, and does not put me in all my states. This is not his type. Dave is the father of my kids, and their soccer coach.

From my point of view, we meet someone when we are young and everyone changes over the years, which impacts the couple, and not necessarily in a negative way. Things are going well between us. We have our little life, even if the intimate relationship is not part of it.

Nora (assumed name) of San Diego, 45 years old.

This blog, originally published on the American Huffington Post, written by Prevention, was translated by Isabelle Panza for Fast for Word.

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