I’m sorry for all the times I did not send you a message because I thought too much about an answer, then I decided that ignoring you completely would make you less hateful than taking a few hours to send a message. texting.
I am sorry to have been a bad friend and refused your calls, for fear of having to admit that I was still in bed at 3pm on Sunday. I’m sorry for canceling our last-minute outings because, after being prepared far too early, my anxiety has resurfaced to remind me of all the dangers outside my home.
I am sorry to have lied, to have my things covered, to have claimed that I had food poisoning or other commitments.
Other things I’m not proud of: All the times I told you no because I did not want you to know that I was not myself. The times I got angry for no reason, or was irritable and decided that the easiest option was to cut you off from my life instead of letting you in.
The moments when I was not 100% invested in our conversations, when my attention went astray while you told me what was happening – because I was too busy thinking about what I was bad no one.
I was ashamed that the things that seemed the simplest seem suddenly impossible, that my brain is not a safe place for me, to be afraid to turn on the switches, to open the doors.
I’m sorry to have been a bad friend and doubted your understanding. I’m sorry that my brain told me that I could not trust you or rely on you, to have thought that what was happening would be a mistake.
The thing with depression is that it becomes your biggest secret and your closest friend, and keeps everyone away in the process. Depression hides the person that people know and love.
It makes you irritable, withdrawn, suddenly disinterested in all the things you were passionate about. They tell you that you do not deserve to have friends and loved ones, and makes you believe that if you had to tell your thoughts to people, they would back off in horror. That’s why opening up and being honest, which is integral to being a good friend, is so scary.
You are afraid they will reject you. Let them say something that will make your condition worse.
Trusting someone with your biggest and heaviest secret gives him the power to hurt you or help you get better.
To avoid that, I pushed people away.
I was a bad friend because I was not myself. I did not let people in.
And I’m sorry for that, because it destroyed a lot of friendships, it made me miss years of good discussions with my mother, with whom I kept my distance so that she does not understand what is passed in my head, and this prevented me from making connections with new people.
I’m working on that now.
I learn that the people I love are also interested in me. They will not hate me just because I’m sad, or will not judge me because I’m scared, they just want me to be well.
I am learning to trust people. I learn to listen to people I love instead of the negative voice in my head that tells me that everyone hates me.
It’s good to need some help from the people in my life to get through a bad time.
The people I want in my life are not the ones who would let me down at the slightest difficulty.
They are the ones who listen when I need them, who know now that they can open up too, and they are the ones who help me stay healthy every day.
So now that I’m done with the “sorry,” I’d like to say thank you. Thanks to the people who followed me when I was not the best friend in return. Thank you for all your attention. Thank you for taking care of me.