Remember a moment when you could really love someone. Remember the elementary school when everyone was on a fair playing field, when the attraction did not matter because you were just not big enough to think about it.
Remember when you feel safe in asexuality and relieved that there is no judgment on your hair, skin and body. You would have liked it to stay forever. You have seen the moment when people started to recognize themselves as parts of the body that could give them pleasure. Then your worst fears are confirmed and left out.
You enter a relationship when you are in college and fall in love with someone. It happens very quickly, like shining brighter, and you see the end before it really starts. Maybe your story lasts six months, maybe it lasts two years. The actual length does not matter, because when all is over, you will feel this as the only real thing that has happened to you.
Suppose you are just going to enter another relationship. Does not it work that way? Someone likes you once, so someone else will surely do it again. You have the mark now. You have “I have already been in a relationship and it was pretty good, so do not be scared. To love me is totally feasible! “. People will see you and they will know it. They will know that you are adorable.
Something is happening. Maybe you graduated from college and lost your strong network of friends. Finding a relationship is harder now. You must actually work on it whereas before that you usually fell on it. You are not sure to meet new people. Your life is not as open as before. Work to be social. What a strange concept.
Float through the days. See that you become more and more crowded. Step back when someone touches your shoulder in the street and marvel at what you have been reduced to. You are someone who has already had incredible intimate relationships and have been in love and now you are making you breathe by a passing stranger. How can we reach this point? Is it possible to find your way?
Is it possible to have a regular intimate life again and not make fun if someone touches your body at a bar? After all, it’s just a contact.
Yes you can. You can meet the love of your life. You can meet him at a bookstore, a coffee shop, a party, a bar, by friends of friends, on the Internet, whatever. All you need to do to find this person is to never give up. Never let solitary days devalue you, never agree to become one of those people you never love. Because the second you start believing it, it can become true. This is the scary part.
How fast can days turn into years. Just like that. It is always said that love falls on “those who do not expect it”. Who does not expect love? I did not expect love for two long years and guess what happened to me? Single.
You should always hope to be loved, you should always expect to find someone to love, because if you do not, you will not understand your worst fears, then you will be lost. Then you will refuse what you deserve. What you can certainly have.