How to go from incommunication to communication in everyday life

Living together on the same territory, sharing a space of emotional, psychological and physical intimacy paradoxically risks awakening the ex-child who is in each of the members of this couple (or upstream one or other of the parents of the man or the woman). In terms of relationship, a couple is a field of conflict, friction and almost permanent confrontation where they will confront each other

• forces of cohesion (rapprochement and sharing = what brings together and makes meet or meet and all that is of the order of the same or similar, the familiar).

• bursting forces (individuation, differentiation = what separates and its variants around the confrontation with the other, the strange (r) and the unknown).

To live as a couple in the long term is to try to share with coherence and in the confused improvisation sometimes, a double dimension of intimacy: on the one hand an area of ​​shared, shared and shareable intimacy and on the other hand spaces and times of intimacy more personal and reserved. Thus the communication of couple will be played on several registers which do not always combine.

“Do my contributions match your expectations? Do my expectations adjust or not your contributions? What makes you often touch me in such a sensitive area, a blind spot that wakes up my wounds irritates me and makes me react violently while I would like to be warm and caring? “

The practical application of the ESPÈ.RE® Method makes it possible to become vigilant to these stakes and to respect some rules of relational hygiene as well with the other one as with oneself. In the long run, these attentions in the direction of the relationship help to strengthen, support, the cohesive forces of the couple and nourish the commitments made over time while taking into account the evolution of each.

Some favoring tags.

• Avoid talking about each other. Instead of saying, “You should let your hair grow! “Position yourself by talking about yourself to another, by stating his own point of view:” It’s true that I prefer you with long hair. “

• Dare to talk about yourself and invite others to talk about themselves. Instead of saying, “You made me an idiot the other night at our friends’! To be able to say to her: “I did not really live what you said the other night about me” and to invite him to talk about his experience: “Could you tell me how you felt when you mentioned this subject? … »

• To try to diminish (instead of maintain and even exacerbate) the incredible distance that sometimes exists between the male speech style (rather cerebral, generalizing or totalizing) and the feminine (rather emotional) mode of expression, sensory and more focused on the experience and the immediate feeling). “When I ask you what you feel and you answer me -” I think that … “- I do not feel heard in my request and the sensitivity that surrounds it. What interests me, touches me and brings me closer to you, is to have access to what you feel there, at the level of the belly, the chest and not the head or ideas … “

• Attempt to access the feeling and the resonance, to what is awakened and which resonates with the other, by a direct invitation to say oneself on a personal level, in an intimate dimension: “I felt that what I said (or done) sounded strongly in you, I do not know if you would like to talk to me about it, because that would allow me to approach more of you … »

• To dare to testify to one’s own story, to the life-giving experiences of our history, to talk about and talk about the child, the teenager that we have been. “At six, I was so scared of ghosts that I had invented a whole system of protection around my bed, which was supposed to protect me for the whole night. In the early morning I got up early to undo the barricades and defenses I had raised the day before. There are still traces in me, have not you noticed all the rituals around me at bedtime, which seems to irritate you moreover, while it is very important for me! “

• Accept that the feeling, the beliefs of the other, his imagination, belong to him, that we have neither the responsibility to have the same, nor that to try to modify it, but only the possibility of doing it a field of exchange and confrontation. “I know how embarrassed you are sometimes to feel that I do not like your mother very much, because there are a lot of things that irritate me at home. And I’m often uncomfortable with the complicity you seem to have with my father, when I have trouble getting along with him … But it’s true that we are not you and me, in the same relation to each of them! “

• Be sensitive to the fact that we do not have the same rhythms, the same expectations and the same zones of tolerance. This does not mean that one has to indulge in compromise (because it is never very far from compromise). Being able to put words not only on differences but also on what brings us closer – some would say to learn to be positive – can go a long way towards overcoming the myriad frustrations that will arise on a daily basis. “When you want to make love to me right now, I am touched by your impatience, but sometimes irritated that you do not take more time to meet me, to discover me before, to exchange, caress everywhere and not only there where do you think it should be good for me! I often tried to tell you how sensitive my clitoris was after love and that I had to be careful not to touch it, and often, too, I asked you, after the love of hugging me very hard and leave me a long moment in stillness and the fullness of my own abandonment to you … “

• Dare to update its commitments. We evolve and change (most often through the other) but not always in the sense that it would like. “I am not the same man today as the one you married 10 years ago. I grew up, so to speak, and I may have less need to rely on you, which seems to worry you and make you fear that I can get away from you. That’s not what I feel, on the contrary … “

With children

The arrival of a child is the equivalent of an earthquake whose shocks are sometimes subtle and indirect. It is an event that will force a reorganization of the relationship. Going from two to three will ask everyone to decenter and clarify their position and rebalance roles (male / female, husband / wife, dad / mom, father / mother, professional / professional).

The skill of the children is, we know, to reactivate at any time the ex-child who is in us and thus to destabilize us, to decenter ourselves from our position of adult, to maintain the reaction in us (tendency to act and react) to the detriment of the relational (possibility to remain consistent in the link and the exchange without overbidding by accentuating the balance of power neither to collapse or to feel guilty). Moreover their astonishing creativity to awaken our fears and anxieties, will make that we will intervene or do especially (even if we defend ourselves) in relation to these fears and not for their needs and real expectations, to them. A little later they could also learn to get away from this influence by daring to say, “Mom, if you’re afraid when I go out at night, you’ll have to do something for your fears, because the fact of putting them on I do not help and even put myself in difficulty … “

“Dad, it may be that with my poor academic results I reactivate the memory of your own school difficulties and the humiliations you suffered, but I can not do anything to try to repair all that own injury in your place. I am only your son and I can not do everything for you. You’ll have to confront your own demons, not counting on me. Our relationship will surely be lightened and less tumultuous.

• With children (with adults too) remember that behind any question there is another question than the one that is put forward, an implicit request or a waiting not directly formulated. Rather than ask them questions, it would be better to invite them to say an open invitation: “I do not know if you want to talk to me about what happened to you in class today”.

“I see you jump every time the phone rings and rush. If you could tell me a little more, it would prevent me from making blunders or hang up when the other end of the son is disappointed that it is me! “

• Do not confuse feeling and relationship. “I love you and my love for you is not questioned by what you have done or said and that can annoy me, irritate me or even hurt me. But it’s important for me to tell you that I’m really angry when I see how you behaved. ” One of the ways to differentiate between feelings and relationships is to be able to give up the use of the expression “I wish …”. Avoiding this kind of wording does not induce the child to amalgamate the reference to the emotional and the issues of the relationship and does not lead him to think that he will be more liked if he runs or is less loved. he does not obey. “I would like you to take a shower. I would like you to stop bothering your sister. I would like you to turn off this damn television in which you’ve been glued for three hours! “

• Learn how to make clear, precise and firm demands (and repeat them as many times as necessary) without guilt, accusations, comparisons or blame. “I’m asking you to take a shower, do your homework, and I’ll insist as many times as you need, to the point of requiring it. But when I am in demand, this way of saying and doing, it infantilises us both. This is not the type of relationship I want to have with you, until I’m 18! “

• Learn to lay clear, precise prohibitions and renew them as many times as necessary, without going into complaint, blackmail, threat or guilt, by not trying to explain or justify any of its refusal. “I live very badly when you borrow underwear or my lingerie, to go to college. I agree to lend or try it on Sundays or when we are on vacation, but not for you to wear them outside the house “(Needless to go into details and to say more about the reasons for the disagreement).

• Do not confuse punishment and punishment. Sanction is the answer adapted to a transgression. It is adapted in the sense that it falls in the name of a prohibition, a law, with reference to an internal regulation or a code placed outside and beyond that which pronounces the sanction. “By driving at 100 km / h in built-up areas, I take the risk of being arrested, of paying a fine and having my driving license deducted from me”. The sanction may be an answer stated for the purpose of repairing the damage caused. “The object that you have at the local supermarket, we will bring it back and pay it with your pocket money …” “For the damage you have done on the walls of the class I will ask you to come Wednesday afternoon for do the necessary cleanings “. Punishment is the temptation to add an additional constraint to punishment. It is a more arbitrary intervention, enunciated without a third reference, and which gives a certain enjoyment to the one who pronounces the punishment: “Since you stole, you will be deprived of pocket money! Which will not help the child at all … not flying!

• Agree to negotiate with oneself to hear where our own priorities lie, rather than falling into repeated harassment around requests or refusals. “What seems urgent to me right now is to ask you to wash, get dressed and have breakfast. I prefer not to have you review your lessons and ask you to wax your shoes … “

• Do not confuse their needs (which must be met or met in the short or medium term) and their desires which they can be heard, valued, without disqualifying them or trying to devalue them by appealing to arguments related to reality . Teach them to better differentiate the desire (which is in the imagination of the one who has it), and its realization (which inscribes it in reality). “I heard your desire to have a motorcycle, I’m not going to answer that desire, but you can tell me what you think you are doing right now to achieve this desire, which can be achieved in ten- eight months when you will be old enough to pass the motorcycle license! “.

• Being able to accompany them in their experience when they face unpredictable or atypical situations (violence, unhealthy encounters) or that they allow themselves to be led to deviant behavior (drug taking, racketeering, aggression). “I wish you could tell me, what happened, what caused you to do that, what you felt or what went through your mind … That’s not what you did that mobilize me but how did you live it! “

• Do not confuse the person with the behavior. “It’s your negative academic results that make me angry and trigger a reaction of anger in me. I do not confuse you with your results, I do not see you as someone negative that I want to reject “.

• Refrain from looking for the why, the explanation of an act, a behavior which most often leads to justifications (or lies) to better understand that the behaviors are languages ​​with which a child tries to say the unspeakable. “I do not know what’s going on in you, or what you’re trying to say, and who you want to say, when I see you biting your fingernails, but it must be very important, when I see the energy and the tenacity with which you do it! “

• Attempt to hear the language of the evils with which children express the unspeakable. “I noticed that every time I went away for several days, your body went into difficulty and suffering by falling, breaking a finger, cutting itself. If he could put words into words, it would be possible to avoid shouting him with evils! It is not a question of doing psychological (pseudo) psychological interpretations with our children, but of making them aware of the fact that they have, in order to try to tell each other, a greater variety of languages ​​than they imagine. .

In the working world

Remember that working eight hours a day means selling as much of your life every day. The central question is not so much how much I sell this life, but how? In terms of the how, the conditions and the way we sell the time of our lives we often do very badly. There is a lot of direct or indirect “hidden violence” in the world of work. What wears, fatigues and exhausts are the repetitions, misunderstandings and clumsiness that follow from the same scenarios, often interchangeable whatever the situations. The respect of some rules of relational hygiene, the putting in practice of some tools (relational scarf, visualization, symbolization) favor exchanges more fluid or less toxic and especially less energetic.

• Give priority to direct communication and not to maintain indirect communication. “If you talk to me about what your colleague did or said, I feel helpless and do not want to go into this subject that does not concern our relationship. If you tell me about yourself, your feelings about what happened, it seems to me that I can listen to you and maybe see with you what you could do to get out of your discomfort or change the situation … »

• Learn not to mix relational levels and to position oneself at each of these levels. Corporate communication is made difficult if not difficult by the fact that 4 levels are constantly interdependent and can not always combine harmoniously.

• the functional level (doing well together) “I have the desire to be able to rely on your skills and experience and at the same time to feel that you can rely on my resources …”

• the hierarchical level (being able to be well within a balance of power that is not always favorable to us) “I am more at ease in a collaborative relationship in which I can have initiatives than in a relationship in which I use only a very small part of my resources … “

• the inter-relational level (being good with the other) “Feeling good with you means that I do not feel judged, devalued or compared, but recognized and accepted closer to what I feel …”

• the intra-relational level (being good with oneself) “I do not question your competence, but I do not feel comfortable with you. Some remarks that you made some time ago awaken my doubts and paralyze me. If I start to identify you with my father, it’s no longer a collaborator that you have in front of you but a panicked little boy who wants to do so well that he will crash every time. ” “I appreciate you very much but I live badly when you break into my files and make decisions without informing me”.

• Do not confuse the yes yes and the yes yes.

“When we mentioned this project two months ago, I told you that I agreed on the principle to study the file and consider a possible realization, but I did not confirm this agreement, I did not I am not committed to realizing it.

• Any proposal, any suggestion deserves to be heard and collected, which does not mean that it will be accepted. “It’s important for me to feel that what I said has not fallen into the void, even if for now it’s not possible for you to accept it.”

• To make an open request (which is not a disguised requirement) is to take the risk that the response of the other is not favorable to me. By not identifying with the request, I do not identify with the answer either. “Often when I made a request and it was rejected, I felt that it was me who was rejected! “

• Circulating information is not communicating. “I thought because I had said or delivered a note, that the other had heard and agreed, following the principle -” who does not say a word agrees! “-” Today I check first: “What did you hear in what I said, what is your position on this point or this question? “

• Beyond the facts, the spoken words, what is important in the background, it is especially how these facts were lived, how these words were heard. “I need to tell you how I heard what you said and especially what your words touched me.”

• As much as possible, try to respect the relational needs of each member of the same team: need to say oneself, to be heard, valued, recognized, to have intimacy and to be able to exert an influence even minimal on the immediate environment.

With yourself.

By discovering that we spend most of our lives with ourselves, we can take a little time to pay attention, kindness and respect.

To accept being a good companion for oneself is to learn to position oneself in one’s own name, with one’s own words, values ​​or beliefs (not to be defined by others) is to be able to assert oneself to confront rather than confront one another, to mark differences and points of convergence), is to take care of one’s own relational needs, instead of waiting or hoping for the other to take charge of them is the beginning of relational and emotional autonomy).

• Give up the accusation of the other and self-deprecation. “A few months ago, I oscillated between two reasoning: on the one hand I thought it was up to the others to change, to stop blaming me and on the other hand I disqualified myself permanently, thinking that I was not up to it, that I would not be able to do it … “

• Accept to discover that we are always three in a relationship: the other, the relationship and myself. “When I realized that, I realized that I was responsible for what I felt, what I felt in this or that situation. I learned to take responsibility, to assume what was happening in me.

• Any change approach involves a work of personal archeology on his childhood, on his family with a possible questioning of his past. “I was able to tell my brother how much I hated him and even wished him dead when he was born. I had a sudden feeling that he took all the space in the house, that I was nothing. “

• Above the conflict between need for affirmation and need for approval

“The day I was able to tell my husband that I was going on a vacation for eight days alone, to find myself a little, I understood three important things – that I would not have his approval – that I was doing him the pain – that it was essential for me to accept this statement! “

With our parents.

When we become adults we discover that we are always seen as children (who have certainly grown up) by our parents. They generally continue to want to provide us with care and counseling in a variety of forms and to pour on us their anxious expectations about us. We love them and yet we maintain with them a lot of litigation related on the one hand to some unfinished situations of our childhood and on the other hand to an evolution, to different beliefs on many points, to values ​​that are no longer the same. the same, sometimes opposed to the education of children, to professional choices, to political commitments or to the more trivial or prosaic things that make up everyday life, such as the choice of such fridge or car, on children’s clothing. , their schooling, how to sit at a table, etc.

• Being able to talk, share, and share with your parents is always a risky adventure, because they feel responsible for our well-being, involved in our success or our failures, concerned with our happiness and above all with all that can call into question this idyllic vision of life or their image of “good parents”. Attempting to share our questions, our doubts or some of our emotional or other vicissitudes of our lives is to worry, destabilize or awaken some secret culpabilities that will assail and spoil their old age.

“I would like to talk so much with my father about what’s happening to me with my friend, but I feel so vulnerable. I’m afraid he’ll fall apart or get angry and tell me he’s warned me enough. So I tame her, I ask indirect questions, I give examples of myself as if they were those of a friend. There he can hear me and even give me very useful advice.

• Use contextualization. It is a way of updating our experience by placing the facts in the historical context in which they occurred. To be able to tell our parents today that it was men or women who were 30 or 35 when we were 10 years old, that we are actually talking to. Putting words on everything that has been retained, repressed or moved, often allows us to meet them and change the relationship. We can not change our parents, but we can change the relationship we have with them.

• Take the risk of confrontation. It is not a matter of confronting each other, of trying to convince, but only of saying what we have become today. “The day I was able to tell my mother that I was giving up marriage, after two years of engagement, I realized that I would not have her approval, that I would hurt a dream and that I was helpless. to help him mourn the ideal son-in-law she had found for me “.

• Be sure to confirm that the link still exists, that this link does not bind us but connects us and that it can be fueled by positive messages. If he is fed up with reproach, guilt, injunctions (of all the issues of the SAPPE System) then he becomes impoverished, hurts himself, becomes less reliable. “I feel your daughter and I see you as my father. Perhaps you have noticed that for some time, I systematically refer you what is not good for me from you. But did you also notice that I am amplifying all the good, that I confirmed the good moments spent together? “

• Confirm that today’s relationship needs reciprocity. “That means I can talk to you, Mom, like a woman, with the woman I am! That I can have, Dad, adult points of view that are different from yours, without you feeling like a bad father, or think that you have failed with me … “

• Avoid questioning their values ​​and beliefs. “I know, Mom, that you’re against abortion. That’s why I could not tell you about it at the time I lived mine. I knew that I was going to hurt your religious beliefs. Today the fact of being able to speak to you about it, to tell you how I lived this event, what it represented for me without feeling judged or rejected relieves me, brings me closer to you “.

• Give ourselves the means to exchange, to share with them, when we are approaching an age when something important has happened to them. By establishing connections, bridges or bridges between an event of our life and theirs at the same age, we can better understand how sometimes we are faithful children, carriers of invisible and tenacious loyalties. “I found out that I had a miscarriage, the same age that you had when you left Dad …”

• It is up to our parents to be vigilant and even lenient or patient if we really want to avoid bumping into each other or to keep some of the autosabotants polluting our lives. In particular by inviting them to stop practicing “appropriation”, when they seize our words as if they were reproaches, that they make themselves responsible for what has (badly) happened or They do not believe that it is because of them that we did this or that, that we divorced or failed in this or that area. “Daddy when I try to put words on what I lived with you, it is not an accusation or a questioning of your person. If you take everything I say as an attack, I can not say anything anymore, I’m gagged, forbidden to speak! We can also move on to a concrete proposal: “When I speak to you, I simply ask you to listen to me … I do not expect from you an answer, a solution or a justification, but just your listening and if possible the expression of your feeling of the moment “.

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