Here’s why I made love to you “occasionally”

I thought that even if you were telling the truth when you said it was casual, you would have ended up changing your mind. That the intimacy we had created during our relationship would make you reconsider your perception of me. That you would fall as much in love as I was.

I made love to you because I could not help but think of you. Because, if I could not get into a real relationship with you, making love to you was my best alternative.

I wanted to be close to you. I wanted to touch you. Have you for me. Although it meant that I had to do it occasionally. Even if it meant that you only belonged to me for the night.

I made love to you because I thought I could control my feelings. And even if it did not succeed, it gave me some experience. It allowed me to have a little fun.

To put a little excitement in my boring life. I did not think I would totally lose control of my emotions. That I would think more and more of wanting to go out with you. It would be even harder for me not to have you. That I would be just another number for you.

I made love to you, even if you openly acknowledged that you were not looking for something serious, because your actions were saying something else. Your actions said you were ready.

That you wanted me. That I was going to be your girlfriend, even if it took time for me to win this title.

I made love to you because you sent me with confused signals. You told me you did not want me, but you sent me messages and you cuddled me whispering sweet words in my ear.

How could I have guessed that I did not mean anything to you after all this?

How could I continue to tell myself that I was only an object, something you were playing with, when your actions said something else? Your actions made me believe that you loved me as much as me.

I made love to you because I was absolutely crazy about you and I hoped that our intimate relationships would make you crazy about me too.

Because I can not understand how you can interweave your naked body with mine without developing feelings for me.

Because I thought that making love would be the answer to my problems, it would make you go from friend to boyfriend.

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