Your partner does not do the bed, the dishes or the errands … “These little problems are quite normal in all relationships. However, they do not indicate if your love story will survive, “says Melissa Cohen, a couple therapist in Westfield, NJ.
During the sessions, Cohen and many other experts in the relationship have noticed warning signs that indicate bigger problems that threaten the viability of their patients’ relationships. Here are nine alerts.
9 signs that your relationship will not work
1- Your conflicts are marked by criticism and contempt
Rather than ask your partner “Can you empty the dishwasher, please,” you are the type to say to him: “Are you too stupid not to forget to do what I did you ask? “. Note that this criticism does not concern the task, but the person. All versions of “What’s wrong with you? Essentially attack the character of the other person. When done regularly, it can erode the relationship.
Regarding contempt, it means that you feel superior to your partner. Often, this kind of sentence sounds like, “Why do I have to do everything? You do not do anything to help me. Contempt is also expressed in a non-verbal way: rolling eyes, sniggering or imitating the person’s ways. In the end, this kind of contempt causes more conflict.
If you’re stuck in a cycle of negativity, Cohen suggests you make five positive comments to compensate for a negative comment.
2- There is not much touch
“Touch is what builds connection and intimacy in romantic relationships,” says Cohen. “Although happy couples tend to be more touching, the true indicator of a healthy relationship is not how often your partner touches you, but how often does he or she touch you in response to your contact,” says -t it.
In short, the stronger the tactile reciprocity, the stronger the emotional intimacy and satisfaction within the relationship.
If a couple’s body language shows that one of the two is trying to ward off the other (both have their arms crossed or their backs to their partner) this is a bad sign, says Carole Lieberman, MD, couple therapist and author of The Bad Boys: Why We Love Them, How to Live With Them, When to Leave Them.
On the other hand, if you are still active under the duvet, that does not necessarily mean that your relationship is healthy. “We’ve all seen super sexy relationships, but they’re also super-destructive,” says Cohen. So, make an effort to touch yourself outside the room.
3- Confidence is no longer at the rendezvous
There is no worse than a partner who cheats sexually or financially. “It breaks the trust in the relationship and sometimes the violation is irreparable,” says Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., psychotherapist and author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop fighting on the three things that can ruin your marriage.
If the couple wants to solve the problem, the person who broke the trust must be willing to be accountable to his partner, tell the truth and give up some privacy until trust is repaired.
Signs that your relationship will not work:
4- There are too many dramas
If a couple is fighting all the time and besides the two partners are violent, Tessina always recommends them to live apart. “The couple must learn to put the drama, the tantrums and the insults aside to learn how to communicate well,” she says.
5- Strong emotions are not expressed
On the other hand, if none of the partners are crying or expressing great emotions such as anger and are rather cold to each other, this is not good for their couple, says Lieberman . “It means they have gone beyond a certain level of pain and are cut off from all feelings toward each other,” she says.
Lieberman says that it is actually better for a couple to scream, scream and cry than to sit still, unmoved and off. “When a person is anxiously waiting for a therapist session to end, it is because she has already decided that the therapy will not work and that the relationship is over,” she says.
Tessina adds that “if one or both parties do not talk to each other about what they feel and think or one or both of them do not want to listen to, one of the two needs to change. partners “.
6- There is a loss of interest from his partner
You dine without speaking to you. You do not have a hobby in common. “Sometimes I see a lack of affection, humor, interest, joy or excitement in some couples,” says Cohen.
When that happens, everything may seem fine because there is not a high level of negativity or hesitation, but it is always dangerous. “Couples simply stop sharing their inner world with their partner,” she says. When they stop being friends, the relationship can not grow, says Cohen.
7- One of the partners has external implications
If a partner is involved elsewhere, whether in another relationship, with an ex, family, children or work, he or she will not be able to devote time to his or her half, so the relationship is difficulty, says Tessina.
Signs that your relationship will not work
8- There is a complete lack of empathy
A relationship has reached a critical point when there is little or no identification with the other person’s feelings. “This is how both partners feel lonely and neglected because none of their injuries and pains are recognized,” says Raymond.
Often, one of the people in the couple becomes cruel to his partner and therefore makes the effort to make him suffer in order to discover what he can feel, “he explains.
9- There is no motivation to make the relationship better
“When I meet a couple, the first thing I do is watch the partners take turns in their eyes and ask them if they want this relationship,” says Tessina. This question usually leads them to tell the truth. In fact, many people “are either afraid to tell their partner that they are no longer interested because they fear a violent or angry reaction and find in me a safety bond, or they are afraid of hurting their partners and they so on me so that I make this moment easier, “says Tessina.